As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been getting asked more and more when I will be having kids. It’s a question that I get asked by family members, but I also get asked by strangers, and I really don’t like it, regardless of who is asking me.
It bothers me when people ask when I am going to have children because I feel like that’s a very big expectation to put on somebody and it’s a very personal decision. Heck, sometimes there is no choice! Some people physically can’t even have kids.
When people ask me when I’m having kids, I always joke saying that we already have 2 kids – Lily and Meatball (our cats). I never say whether or not I’m even planning on it because that decision is personal if I even have the choice to have them.
The question of “When are you having kids” is much more loaded than some people realize.
There are many reasons why people may not want, or may not have kids by the time they’re in their thirties. Many of those reasons are deeply personal and some of them may be extremely painful.
Here are a few reasons why married couples (or women in general) may not have kids by the time they’re married and in their 30s:
- They just don’t want kids. Yeah, that is a legitimate reason. Some people are happy just being together, and maybe they just don’t feel the need to start a family. This is okay! Just leave them be with their happy selves! 🙂
- They do want kids, but they aren’t financially ready. It is very hard to get good paying jobs in this day and age, and childcare is very expensive. They may be struggling just to support themselves, and do not feel like they can support another person.
- They’re not emotionally ready yet. The idea of having kids is scary. You are basically responsible for caring for a little human up until they turn 18. Maybe the person just isn’t ready for that yet.
- They don’t feel confident about their futures. Maybe they’re doing decent now (or seem to be), but something is making them feel like their futures are in jeopardy. Maybe their company is in the process of downsizing and they’re worried about losing their job, or maybe their marital situation is rocky, or maybe they have an incurable disease… For whatever reason, they do not feel confident enough to bring a child into this world. It is very jarring to be asked ‘When are you having kids’ when you are going through these kinds of situations.
- They are trying to have a kid, but haven’t gotten pregnant yet. This could easily be the case. If it is, you asking when they plan to have kids is not going to make them get pregnant any quicker.
- They are in the process of dealing with a miscarriage. Miscarriages are much more common than people realize(about 10-20%). This is one of the worst times that you could possibly think to ask when they will be having kids… Women do not talk about miscarriages, and they often happen in the first trimester when nobody else knows that it could be happening. You asking them this kind of question is likely to upset and to hurt them since they are essentially already grieving the loss of a child
- They are not capable of having kids. Either the man or the woman in the relationship is infertile. As with miscarriage, this is not an issue that people talk about.
Assuming any of the above situations, it is never a good idea to ask somebody when they are going to have children. If they want you to know, they will let you know when they’re pregnant.
Anyway, since this is a (somewhat) personal blog mainly created for my own rambling and thought organization, I’ll get into how I feel about the whole having kids thing… Right now I am in situation #3 and (kind of) #1.
Children are very expensive (especially childcare), and I’m happy just being with my husband. We can go on long trips, buy crazy things for ourselves and each other, and just do everything that we could possibly want to do. We’re in a really nice place right now, just he and I, and I feel like us having this time to grow as a couple without having children thrown into the mix has been great for our relationship.
I am naturally concerned about when my friends, family, acquaintances – even strangers -think about me. But over time, I’ve learned that a person needs to be able to put themselves first and should not be influenced by other peoples desires. I know that they want me to have kids, but I’m not ready yet.
I hope that I will be blessed to be able to eventually decide to have children, but for right now I’m happy, my husband is happy, and life is good.