I feel like I reside in a weird place in this world. On one hand, I see the good in everybody, and can empathize with why they may feel a certain way or do certain things – even if I don’t agree with those things. On the other hand, it really takes a lot for me to get to trust people since people’s actions are largely influenced by their own quests for power, or avoidance of the things that scare them. Humanity seems evil and good at the same time.

I create these facades of myself and change myself based on who I am with and where I am at. I do this because I want to make who I am with comfortable, or I want to add least seem like I am on the same wavelength, but I think there is more to it than just that… I think part of the reason I do this is because I am afraid of what people would think of me if I showed them who I really was. I am creating personas partly as a way to protect myself… It’s not that I want everybody to be friends with me – popularity has always been over-rated. I just hate the idea of not fitting in – in a completely general sense. It feels like in order to do that, I need to shield certain parts of myself.

And I’ve gotten so good at it. I know exactly what people want to see, and I will try to fit into what they expect, to a certain extent.
It’s weird to say that I am who I am based on who I’m with, but that’s kind of how it is. I have a hard time sometimes differentiating my own feelings or thoughts from other people’s ideas and thoughts. I think it’s taken me far longer than many others may have taken to even figure out things like my own core beliefs. As I’ve gotten older, this has gotten easier, but it was especially difficult when I was younger.

I guess that this is part of the thing that I try to hide. I know that if people knew about this aspect of my personality, they would see me as being fake… The thing is, this is the way I am. Maybe at a very core level it is something I do in order to protect myself, but my ability to be what others want or need is something that is part of who I am (If that makes sense). My simple goal in life is to be compassionate and to try to create harmony in the world around me. I do this by trying to get along with everyone, even if it means hiding my dark and sometimes sadistic sense of humor, not telling really stupid jokes, and not wearing that pretty blue lipstick. I project an image of who people want me to be, because it is who I am.

Anyway, I know this post probably seems all over the place. I’m still trying to get to the base of why I am the way I am. That’s part of the reason why started this blog.

If I know you from Facebook: I hope that I didn’t scare you! I figure that if you actually took the time to read my blog, you genuinely do want to know more about who I am beyond a surface level, which is really nice. You can expect to see more revelations about my inner “craziness” if you continue reading. I hope to learn more about you guys too! 😊

Feel free to chime in if you have any thoughts. 🙂

TL;DR: This scene from a show called “The OC” basically sums it up!


Essential oils and antiaging

I think I’m developing a new obsession.

My boss an I were talking one day and the subject of essential oils came up. His wife is apparently into it. I was really surprised to find that be swears by then as well, though, because he is far from a hippy-dippy kind of personality. He said that he hasn’t been sick in years because he uses them to avoid getting sick. And during allergy season he ingests a concoction of – I believe – lavender, lemon, and peppermint. It apparently relieves allergy symptoms almost as well as Claritin, but without all the yucky side effects.

I’ve been trying to do some research on it, because I wonder and have a hunch that the right combination of essential oils might be just as affective for antiaging as some of this prescription strength products that a dermatologist may prescribe.

Right now, rose, lavender, and tea tree oil seem like good bets for skincare, but I really wish that I could get a professional opinion. I was almost tempted to book an appointment with a dermatologist, but I think that they’d be more likely to try to sell me a prescription, or get me to have botox, or something.

Anyway, if by chance you are reading this and you have direct experience with essential oils for skincare, or if you’re a dermatologist, I would love to hear what you have to say on this!

How to Avoid Harassment, Rape, and Other Things You Shouldn’t Have To Worry About

I’ve seen so many posts on the internet about how much abuse and harassment that women get in the real world and on the internet. I don’t think it’s something that most people can truly understand without living through it, so I wanted to share a bit as a 29 year old woman.

First off, I individually have experienced varying forms of harassment. I think that if you ask any woman, you will find that they have also experienced harassment in some way.

Here are just a few things that I personally do in order to avoid abuse and harassment. I also threw in thoughts that I have when I encounter possible abuse or harassment

1. On Instagram: I avoid “liking” “commenting” on, or sending friend requests to anybody that I believe to be male… Unless I see from their pictures that they seem “safe”.

2. I avoid posting pictures of myself wearing revealing clothing.

3. When I lived at my apartment complexes, I avoided going to the fitness room by myself at night… (I had a creepy encounter there before)

4. I try not to go to wal-mart or other stores by myself at night. (Once again, creepy encounter).

5. I’ve gotten very good at sizing everybody up and recognizing which people to avoid. I do it at an unconscious level now, because I have to.

6. I avoid drinking socially without my husband nearby. Numerous stories and personal experience taught me that women drinking socially become targets.

7. It never surprised me when I hear that one of my female friends has been harassed by a stranger, or even by a friend. It’s just something that happens.

8. If a man that I do not know comes up to talk to me, the first thing I always ask myself is, “What does he want from me?”. I’m automatically expecting the worst.

9. I’ve gotten good at ignoring cat calls, whistles, and perceived harassment that I encounter in public. I know that if I lash out, I could get hurt.

10. I fully expect men to stare me down in public… It makes me uncomfortable, but I learned to pretend to ignore it for the same reasons as #9.

11. I avoid making friends with men when they won’t be friends, or aren’t already mutual friends, with my husband. This rule applies even more so if they’re single.

12. I avoid hanging out by myself with a male friend, regardless of whether or not they are mutual friend with my husband, in a relationship, etc.

13. I love the beach, but I avoid going there if I’d have to go there alone… Which means I almost never go. 😦

14. Just in general, I avoid going out alone.

15. I keep certain accounts private to avoid getting stalked. (I’ve had suspicions)

These are a few that I can think of now. It may sound like paranoia, but I don’t believe that it is. I should not need to worry about these things, but in the world that I live in, I do.

And it really pisses me off.

I’m angry that men act in a way that makes me scared sometimes. It makes me angry that I am scared, and it makes me angry that I just have to put up with it all, because it’s “normal”. I hate that all women have to deal with this on a daily basis, and I hate that I feel so helpless and unable to fix it all. Maybe by speaking out I can help somehow, because holding it all in and pretending like all this is normal had not been helpful.