I feel like I reside in a weird place in this world. On one hand, I see the good in everybody, and can empathize with why they may feel a certain way or do certain things – even if I don’t agree with those things. On the other hand, it really takes a lot for me to get to trust people since people’s actions are largely influenced by their own quests for power, or avoidance of the things that scare them. Humanity seems evil and good at the same time.
I create these facades of myself and change myself based on who I am with and where I am at. I do this because I want to make who I am with comfortable, or I want to add least seem like I am on the same wavelength, but I think there is more to it than just that… I think part of the reason I do this is because I am afraid of what people would think of me if I showed them who I really was. I am creating personas partly as a way to protect myself… It’s not that I want everybody to be friends with me – popularity has always been over-rated. I just hate the idea of not fitting in – in a completely general sense. It feels like in order to do that, I need to shield certain parts of myself.
And I’ve gotten so good at it. I know exactly what people want to see, and I will try to fit into what they expect, to a certain extent.
It’s weird to say that I am who I am based on who I’m with, but that’s kind of how it is. I have a hard time sometimes differentiating my own feelings or thoughts from other people’s ideas and thoughts. I think it’s taken me far longer than many others may have taken to even figure out things like my own core beliefs. As I’ve gotten older, this has gotten easier, but it was especially difficult when I was younger.
I guess that this is part of the thing that I try to hide. I know that if people knew about this aspect of my personality, they would see me as being fake… The thing is, this is the way I am. Maybe at a very core level it is something I do in order to protect myself, but my ability to be what others want or need is something that is part of who I am (If that makes sense). My simple goal in life is to be compassionate and to try to create harmony in the world around me. I do this by trying to get along with everyone, even if it means hiding my dark and sometimes sadistic sense of humor, not telling really stupid jokes, and not wearing that pretty blue lipstick. I project an image of who people want me to be, because it is who I am.
Anyway, I know this post probably seems all over the place. I’m still trying to get to the base of why I am the way I am. That’s part of the reason why started this blog.
If I know you from Facebook: I hope that I didn’t scare you! I figure that if you actually took the time to read my blog, you genuinely do want to know more about who I am beyond a surface level, which is really nice. You can expect to see more revelations about my inner “craziness” if you continue reading. I hope to learn more about you guys too! 😊
Feel free to chime in if you have any thoughts. 🙂
TL;DR: This scene from a show called “The OC” basically sums it up!